Facing Reality

When my mom was diagnosed in January 2007 with cervical cancer I was struck with fear...CANCER? My MOM? We have lost grandparents to cancer but to realize my mom was going to be fighting for her life was so surreal. Her positive outlook made the fears slowly disappear. Now here I sit 3 years later facing the reality.

My mom has endured radiation and various chemotherapies but her cancer has had little response. She spent the last 2 weeks in the hospital due to dehydration and uncontrollable pain. Early last week they did a CT Scan to check the status of the cancer. This scan showed the cancer to be spreading rapidly.

The oncology team informed my mom and our family that she has two options: Aggressive chemo-this would keep her in the hospital for at least 4 months and make her very ill OR she could go home and hospice would be called to care for her and manage the pain. As of today she has not come to an official decision but she was sent home from the hospital on Friday because she is re-hydrated and the pain seems to be under control. Her first night home went smoothly as she was able to eat, sleep and had little pain.

All I want is to spent EVERY MINUTE of EVERY DAY with her. However, I am reminded I have to keep pressing on with my life afterall that's what Mom would want, right? We go to dinner, I feel sad. Ella does something funny and Emeri is having a giggle fit, I run to the phone to call Mom. I feel worn out as a parent, I call Mom for advice/reassurance. We bought tickets to Sesame Street Live, I call Mom. I want to share everything with her as I always have. She sounds tired and weak, how can I be happy?

Facing this reality now when Mom is just 48 years old, seems so unfair!! I want more time, I need more time!! Selfish it seems but reality it is. All I can do is pray she is living now pain free and enjoy every minute we share.

I love you Mom!